So I recently got an email from my dad, and well it was just too damn funny not to post. For those of you who know my dad, then you know how he is. For those who don't know my dad, enjoy!! BTW Theda is my grandmother, and he calls my mom Theda, Jr because they're so much alike much to my mom's horror. I guess it's true. You really do marry your mother.... On to the email!!
OK, you've got me on Facebook now. What the hell am I supposed to do with it? Yeah, I can be a voyeur & look in on your's & other's personal lives as it plays out in real time but how do I communicate with only that person w/o anyone else peeping? I see some of the others' postings & don't know whether to respond or not, knowing that someone else is peering over my shoiulder. Such as your comment about those not working on Friday, Nov 26 being a-holes & then my company responding back. That's almost more exposure than I care to share. Oh, well, I am getting people asking to be my friend, especially classmates, some I have declined & some like then, I scratch my head and say "What the f---? Why does she want to be my friend?"
Oh, btw, thanks, shitface, I now GET to go to Memphis Saturday becuz Old Tyme Pottery is closing. Now I'll have to buy your dinner!!!! I will be calling you at 7 am Saturday to get you up to share the misery.
I still can't think of anything else to get for the old battle axe. We did get the new countertops in & I installed the sinks & faucets. The faucet in the guest bath leaks, tho. I've got to figure out now how to stop it. There were no instructions with it or a helpline #.
Work plods along. Still haven't received confirmation that I will get Xmas Eve off. I have enough timeoff that I will just call in sick if I don't get approved.
It's now 11:40 pm. I HAVE to go to church tomorrow for holy day of obligation. Mass is at 7 am. BS. I don't think my soul will rot in hell if I miss this time but I do so to keep Theda Jr. off my back.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Candy Corn Cometh!!!
Okay so this time of year is quite possibly my favorite. Well if the hot weather would go the hell away I'd love it a lot more. So while I was sick in bed with the funk that one of my residents no doubt gave me I thought it would be good to come up with my October must see movie list. I love all things Halloween! I love the weather, then parties, the costumes and above all the horror movies. So here goes the list of must sees...
1. The Exorcist
This movie is one of my all time favorites! I've watched it a million times over and pea soup never looked so good. I know. That may be the grossest scene next to the one with the crucifix, but there is just something that makes that entire movie pure brilliance.
2. It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown
I just adore this movie. Every year it's puts me in the holiday spirit. I'll admit that all those years of having to take kids that weren't mine trick or treating while their parents were out partying and I was missing my parties was kinda fun, BUT a part of me secretly wanted one of those kids to get rocks instead of candy. I mean seriously how hilarious would that have been??!! (I never said I didn't have an evil side.)
3. Poltergeist
There is just something so brilliant about this movie. I remember seeing it as a kid, okay maybe not a kid but when I was younger, and I remember thinking why can't I have a ghost in my house. Well, not so much a ghost that's pissed off because my family built our house on an Indian burial ground, but a cool one that will let me slide across the kitchen floor and rearrange the furniture in our breakfast nook.
4. Carrie
I think back to the days of Anna and myself when we used to randomly look at each other and say, "They're all gonna laugh at you." Then scream no!!! Always makes me smile. This is my all time favorite Stephen King. I love all his stuff, but this one was the first book I ever read by him and it remains one I reread every year followed by watching the movie. Let's face it. You really wanted Carrie to get her classmates. They really were a bunch of assholes and did you see that hair??!! Tommy deserved to die for that fro-tastrophe.
5. Halloween
The original or the remake. The original is really great, but the remake by Rob Zombie is just downright awesome! Now normally I'm 100% anti remakes, but wow. This one was worth the movie theater price! It goes even further into the dark mind of Michael Myers. The guy that they picked to play him as an adult is a freaking beast!! I can see why he would come off as invincible. But I think the thing I like best about Rob Zombie's films is his love for gore and nasty. That man loves his blood. (Boob shots too, but if you've got a pair they all look the same to you.) Every time this man had the chance to do a blood shot, he threw an extra gallon in just to make it better. For your awesomeness I say kudos to you, Mr. Zombie!
6. House of Wax
Yes. I know this one makes me lose some of my horror cred, but hear me out. The plot is lame, the acting is horrible, and the ending isn't that great, BUT the whole reason for loving this movie is totally valid. Paris Hilton dies. The end. Who wouldn't love a movie where that pain in the ass, waste of oxygen finally gets what she deserves?? And yes, every time I see that scene I laugh. I know. I need help.
7. Psycho
Or any Alfred Hitchcock for that matter! That man is the father of suspense to me. I mean don't get me wrong The Birds concept was great, but the attack scenes were a bit cheesy. But let's think back to when this stuff came out. It was considered scary stuff. Here is a great example. I remember when I first started getting into Hitchcock's work and my mother told me a story. When she was a teenager she was home alone one night and thinking she was super bad ass decided to watch one of the Hitchcock movies on TV. Well at one point she had to go to the bathroom, but she was kinda scared. So she went in, shut the door and right when her pants were around her ankles the a/c kicked on making the shower curtain move. She went running screaming through the house with her pants around her ankles, locked herself in her bedroom until someone got home to rescue her. If that isn't the sign of a good scary movie reaction, then I don't know what is. Then again any funny story about my mom totally must be shared.
8. Scream
Yeah, it wasn't all the scary or brilliant, but I still really like it. My advice is to stay away from the sequels. Unless you're The Godfather all sequels by definition suck. I'll admit however, that it was a great movie for its time and I'll never say the words "I'll be back" seeing as the fact that I'm not a virgin makes me a prime candidate to be killed. Oops.
9. Saw
You know I really like these movies. I'll admit they kinda lost their way on the second one and some of the third, but I think I may have given up on them too soon. It wasn't until I was talking Saw with my friend, Randy (and by him pressuring me to watch the movies) that I realized there's more of a plot to them than expected. You think they were like the Scream movies just random plot with random killers that get solved in some weird way in the end, but they aren't. Each movie is tied to a previous one, and if you haven't seen them you're almost a bit lost. My advice is stick it out. It's worth the effort. Plus some of the devices that people have to get out of are hella freaky, and let's face it someone has to die and that can sometimes be hella gross.
10. The Strangers
When I saw the previews for this movie I though oh hell no! It looked so campy and lame, but then I read in my Entertainment Weekly that Stephen King liked this movie and I thought well I like to believe this guy has some horror standards. So I rented it, and then I bought it. It's not that gross or disgusting. It's more of your classic bumps and sounds make you jump scary movie. It's not that elaborate, but still. I really liked it. Every so often I'll break it out just for some entertainment.
Now I know I didn't include some movies, but the list could go on forever. The Ring will never be on this list. Let's face it. That movie sucked. It wasn't scary and the plot was kinda dumb. And although The Blair Witch Project was semi decent, I can never watch it because it makes me want to throw up. Literally. Hello! Can you say steady shot? Yes, A Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th aren't on the list, but believe me they are in my movie collection and get watched every Halloween. So at the end of this list I say to you. Horror anyone? Oh and feel free to suggest anything you might like.
1. The Exorcist
This movie is one of my all time favorites! I've watched it a million times over and pea soup never looked so good. I know. That may be the grossest scene next to the one with the crucifix, but there is just something that makes that entire movie pure brilliance.
2. It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown
I just adore this movie. Every year it's puts me in the holiday spirit. I'll admit that all those years of having to take kids that weren't mine trick or treating while their parents were out partying and I was missing my parties was kinda fun, BUT a part of me secretly wanted one of those kids to get rocks instead of candy. I mean seriously how hilarious would that have been??!! (I never said I didn't have an evil side.)
3. Poltergeist
There is just something so brilliant about this movie. I remember seeing it as a kid, okay maybe not a kid but when I was younger, and I remember thinking why can't I have a ghost in my house. Well, not so much a ghost that's pissed off because my family built our house on an Indian burial ground, but a cool one that will let me slide across the kitchen floor and rearrange the furniture in our breakfast nook.
4. Carrie
I think back to the days of Anna and myself when we used to randomly look at each other and say, "They're all gonna laugh at you." Then scream no!!! Always makes me smile. This is my all time favorite Stephen King. I love all his stuff, but this one was the first book I ever read by him and it remains one I reread every year followed by watching the movie. Let's face it. You really wanted Carrie to get her classmates. They really were a bunch of assholes and did you see that hair??!! Tommy deserved to die for that fro-tastrophe.
5. Halloween
The original or the remake. The original is really great, but the remake by Rob Zombie is just downright awesome! Now normally I'm 100% anti remakes, but wow. This one was worth the movie theater price! It goes even further into the dark mind of Michael Myers. The guy that they picked to play him as an adult is a freaking beast!! I can see why he would come off as invincible. But I think the thing I like best about Rob Zombie's films is his love for gore and nasty. That man loves his blood. (Boob shots too, but if you've got a pair they all look the same to you.) Every time this man had the chance to do a blood shot, he threw an extra gallon in just to make it better. For your awesomeness I say kudos to you, Mr. Zombie!
6. House of Wax
Yes. I know this one makes me lose some of my horror cred, but hear me out. The plot is lame, the acting is horrible, and the ending isn't that great, BUT the whole reason for loving this movie is totally valid. Paris Hilton dies. The end. Who wouldn't love a movie where that pain in the ass, waste of oxygen finally gets what she deserves?? And yes, every time I see that scene I laugh. I know. I need help.
7. Psycho
Or any Alfred Hitchcock for that matter! That man is the father of suspense to me. I mean don't get me wrong The Birds concept was great, but the attack scenes were a bit cheesy. But let's think back to when this stuff came out. It was considered scary stuff. Here is a great example. I remember when I first started getting into Hitchcock's work and my mother told me a story. When she was a teenager she was home alone one night and thinking she was super bad ass decided to watch one of the Hitchcock movies on TV. Well at one point she had to go to the bathroom, but she was kinda scared. So she went in, shut the door and right when her pants were around her ankles the a/c kicked on making the shower curtain move. She went running screaming through the house with her pants around her ankles, locked herself in her bedroom until someone got home to rescue her. If that isn't the sign of a good scary movie reaction, then I don't know what is. Then again any funny story about my mom totally must be shared.
8. Scream
Yeah, it wasn't all the scary or brilliant, but I still really like it. My advice is to stay away from the sequels. Unless you're The Godfather all sequels by definition suck. I'll admit however, that it was a great movie for its time and I'll never say the words "I'll be back" seeing as the fact that I'm not a virgin makes me a prime candidate to be killed. Oops.
9. Saw
You know I really like these movies. I'll admit they kinda lost their way on the second one and some of the third, but I think I may have given up on them too soon. It wasn't until I was talking Saw with my friend, Randy (and by him pressuring me to watch the movies) that I realized there's more of a plot to them than expected. You think they were like the Scream movies just random plot with random killers that get solved in some weird way in the end, but they aren't. Each movie is tied to a previous one, and if you haven't seen them you're almost a bit lost. My advice is stick it out. It's worth the effort. Plus some of the devices that people have to get out of are hella freaky, and let's face it someone has to die and that can sometimes be hella gross.
10. The Strangers
When I saw the previews for this movie I though oh hell no! It looked so campy and lame, but then I read in my Entertainment Weekly that Stephen King liked this movie and I thought well I like to believe this guy has some horror standards. So I rented it, and then I bought it. It's not that gross or disgusting. It's more of your classic bumps and sounds make you jump scary movie. It's not that elaborate, but still. I really liked it. Every so often I'll break it out just for some entertainment.
Now I know I didn't include some movies, but the list could go on forever. The Ring will never be on this list. Let's face it. That movie sucked. It wasn't scary and the plot was kinda dumb. And although The Blair Witch Project was semi decent, I can never watch it because it makes me want to throw up. Literally. Hello! Can you say steady shot? Yes, A Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th aren't on the list, but believe me they are in my movie collection and get watched every Halloween. So at the end of this list I say to you. Horror anyone? Oh and feel free to suggest anything you might like.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Are you kidding me?
So my friend Amanda just recently posted on her facebook a link about next week being Banned Books Week. And this made me wonder. What books have been banned in the past? Why were they banned? Then I found a few links that listed banned books. A few of them made sense to me, but some made me think what the hell?? Here's a few.
As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner
This one I totally get. Has anyone ever tried to read Faulkner?? I mean really? I'd ban it too. Nuff said.
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
Ok, see I had to read this book for my southern literature class. Yeah, I made it through about 20 pages. To this day I still don't know why the caged bird sings, but for some reason that thing is still singing.
Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman
Yet another one I was told to read in southern literature. Yeah, no. After my teacher tried to get me to find out about that damn caged bird I revolted and refused to read another book for that class. Thank god for Cliff notes!
Now on to the books that made me say what the hell....???
Sylvester and the Magic Pebble by William Steig
Really? Why in the world would a kids book be considered a bad thing? Talking animals? No. It's because a pig was a policeman, and that "gave the idea that all policemen were pigs."
Brown Bear, Brown Bear What Do You See by Bill Martin Jr.
Yes. This was a what the hell moment for me. How could this be bad?? I used to read it when I taught to the younger kids and it helped them to learn animals and colors. The reason? Because there was a random Marxist theorist that had the same name as the author. They weren't even the same guy. Go figure.
Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
This one was only a little surprising to me, but what someone said about why it was banned just cracked me up that I had to post it. "It may have been (banned) because the strongest woman character marries a boring and much older man" Which is very true. I always wondered why Jo married Frederick. Laurie was always more interesting.
A Light In The Attic by Shel Silverstein
It was banned because "promotes disrespect, horror, and violence". Did they even read these books?? I loved them as a kid. Crazy.
The Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling
Ok I understand that some (weird) parents wouldn't approve of the whole magic thing, but come on. This helps kids to use their imagination! I'll be the first to admit that I read all of the books, and found them to be nothing short of brilliant. And I personally will support any book that makes a kid read.
The Bible
Yes, the bible. This was a huh moment for me. You know it wasn't the bible thumpers that were throwing a fit to have this book banned.
But here is the kicker. You thought the bible was one that made you go what?? No this one is the cherry!!
Both the Merriam Webster and the American Heritage Dictionaries
Yes both, have been banned in various schools. The Merriam Webster was banned in a California elementary school in January 2010 for its definition of oral sex. "It's just not age appropriate," a district representative said. Really? I mean really? It's a freaking dictionary. Then again if you can't spell then what's the point in having a dictionary? By the way grandma, I don't need anymore dictionaries.
As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner
This one I totally get. Has anyone ever tried to read Faulkner?? I mean really? I'd ban it too. Nuff said.
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
Ok, see I had to read this book for my southern literature class. Yeah, I made it through about 20 pages. To this day I still don't know why the caged bird sings, but for some reason that thing is still singing.
Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman
Yet another one I was told to read in southern literature. Yeah, no. After my teacher tried to get me to find out about that damn caged bird I revolted and refused to read another book for that class. Thank god for Cliff notes!
Now on to the books that made me say what the hell....???
Sylvester and the Magic Pebble by William Steig
Really? Why in the world would a kids book be considered a bad thing? Talking animals? No. It's because a pig was a policeman, and that "gave the idea that all policemen were pigs."
Brown Bear, Brown Bear What Do You See by Bill Martin Jr.
Yes. This was a what the hell moment for me. How could this be bad?? I used to read it when I taught to the younger kids and it helped them to learn animals and colors. The reason? Because there was a random Marxist theorist that had the same name as the author. They weren't even the same guy. Go figure.
Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
This one was only a little surprising to me, but what someone said about why it was banned just cracked me up that I had to post it. "It may have been (banned) because the strongest woman character marries a boring and much older man" Which is very true. I always wondered why Jo married Frederick. Laurie was always more interesting.
A Light In The Attic by Shel Silverstein
It was banned because "promotes disrespect, horror, and violence". Did they even read these books?? I loved them as a kid. Crazy.
The Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling
Ok I understand that some (weird) parents wouldn't approve of the whole magic thing, but come on. This helps kids to use their imagination! I'll be the first to admit that I read all of the books, and found them to be nothing short of brilliant. And I personally will support any book that makes a kid read.
The Bible
Yes, the bible. This was a huh moment for me. You know it wasn't the bible thumpers that were throwing a fit to have this book banned.
But here is the kicker. You thought the bible was one that made you go what?? No this one is the cherry!!
Both the Merriam Webster and the American Heritage Dictionaries
Yes both, have been banned in various schools. The Merriam Webster was banned in a California elementary school in January 2010 for its definition of oral sex. "It's just not age appropriate," a district representative said. Really? I mean really? It's a freaking dictionary. Then again if you can't spell then what's the point in having a dictionary? By the way grandma, I don't need anymore dictionaries.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Don't touch me there you're not my real mother!
That is a direct quote from my friend Jason. Perhaps one of the funniest things I've ever heard come out of my friend's mouth (next to his bad jokes that are just too bad to post). Let me set up the evening. A group of us were out drinking and one of my dear friends, well she likes to talk. A lot. And she's one of the smartest people I know, but damn if that girl doesn't talk! (But I'll always love her for it.) So this one night we had all been drinking (a lot), and my friend was talking about who knows what. Well Jason had decided that she had talked more than enough, so in typical Jason style decides to yell out "Don't touch me there you're not my real mother! And NO! I will not make out with you!" Much to her horror, the entire bar heard this, stopped, and turned to look at her. Needless to say it was one of the funniest moments (out of a million or so. Remind me to one day tell about Boobie skipping across the bar) ever that was spent at Tracks.
Why do I bring up this story? Well there is a resident that every time I see him likes to touch me. Don't get me wrong I'm cool with hugs and such, but the creepy rubbing of the arm while telling me about the resident that used to be your lover is WAY too creepy for comfort. Looking at my boobs and saying "Wow! you sure look pretty today" is totally gross.
But what is worse than that?? A young drunk guy that you don't even know stumbling over to your table while you're trying to chill with your friends. I mean if you want to talk to me that's cool. Just make sure you do it earlier in the night when I know what the hell you're saying. Also saying shut up when I say what isn't going to score you any points what so ever. Oh and rubbing on my leg when I clearly don't want you to doesn't work for me.
Hey every girl likes a little confidence boot every now and then, but lets think about this one boys. How would you like having a random slobbering drunk girl come up to you, stare at your crotch the whole time and rub on your leg? Okay, I realize the not so respectable guys that just want to get laid would appreciate that, but come on fellas!! We're ladies!! Would you want someone talking to your mom, sister, or friends like that? It's moments like this when some random gross guy is rubbing on me that I want to scream out those wonderful words of Jason, "Don't touch me there you're not my real mother." I bet I could get a bar pretty quiet with those words. To any brave guys out there. If you feel like testing to see how quickly we can quiet a bar, call me... On a total side note. Texting "Wanna fuck" is never acceptable either. I'm just saying....
Why do I bring up this story? Well there is a resident that every time I see him likes to touch me. Don't get me wrong I'm cool with hugs and such, but the creepy rubbing of the arm while telling me about the resident that used to be your lover is WAY too creepy for comfort. Looking at my boobs and saying "Wow! you sure look pretty today" is totally gross.
But what is worse than that?? A young drunk guy that you don't even know stumbling over to your table while you're trying to chill with your friends. I mean if you want to talk to me that's cool. Just make sure you do it earlier in the night when I know what the hell you're saying. Also saying shut up when I say what isn't going to score you any points what so ever. Oh and rubbing on my leg when I clearly don't want you to doesn't work for me.
Hey every girl likes a little confidence boot every now and then, but lets think about this one boys. How would you like having a random slobbering drunk girl come up to you, stare at your crotch the whole time and rub on your leg? Okay, I realize the not so respectable guys that just want to get laid would appreciate that, but come on fellas!! We're ladies!! Would you want someone talking to your mom, sister, or friends like that? It's moments like this when some random gross guy is rubbing on me that I want to scream out those wonderful words of Jason, "Don't touch me there you're not my real mother." I bet I could get a bar pretty quiet with those words. To any brave guys out there. If you feel like testing to see how quickly we can quiet a bar, call me... On a total side note. Texting "Wanna fuck" is never acceptable either. I'm just saying....
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Top Five Ways To Piss Me Off
Ok, so I'm normally not an angry person, but damn if there aren't some things that just irk the shit out of me. So today (after getting pissed off at a coworker) I've decided to do my Top Five Ways To Piss Me Off.
1) Not Listening To Me When I'm Talking
This is something that freaking drives me up the damn wall!!! I know that sometimes it seems that I may be talking just to hear myself talk, but I don't think I do that too often. (Yeah, bring on the smart ass comments.)
2) Talking Over Me
This is just as bad as not listening to me when I talk. It makes me feel like my opinion isn't good enough for you to hear. Maybe next time I'll pull a guy move and stare off into space while you're telling me about your latest endeavor to find the ultimate whatever. (P.S. I know that not all guys stare off into space when you talk to them, but start up a conversation about Sex and the City and I guarantee they will zone out in 5 minutes.)
3) Going Through My Desk
Here's the thing. I have a bit of OCD. When it comes to my home, I'm not that bad. When it comes to my desk please keep your hands off! Not that I keep anything important in there. It's just damn it I have everything very organized. When my boss comes up to me and asks for a certain file I want to be able to grab it that second and hand it to them. (That helps keep me organized, but also gets them away from my desk faster.) Here's an example of me getting pissed about people touching my desk. Yesterday I walked into work. The boss was going through the maintenance work orders. Now we aren't just talking about going through, but we're talking about that shit was scattered all over my desk! Then she says these look complete. Where are the other ones? I'm thinking well if you'd keep your stank hand off my stuff and wait until I came in, then you wouldn't have a problem would you? Instead I spent the next 45 minutes getting all the papers back into order. Not a great way to start my day.
4) Stealing My Pens
I keep two pens on my desk. One for me and one for everyone else. Ok, so I chew on my pens. I'll admit it. I get bored, and well it's my thing. Nothing annoys me more than coming back from lunch only to have both of my pens missing. It's cool if you borrow it, but bring it back. Ok and secretly when my pens end up missing I laugh to myself knowing that person has a spit pen. Gross I know, but strangely satisfying.
5) Being a Memphis Driver
I'm pretty sure I don't need to elaborate on this one, but for anyone that's not a Memphis driver I'll give you the scoop. Memphis drivers are retarded. They cut you off during rush hour then give you the finger when you honk at them for being dumb asses. Pulling in front of you and then slowing down. And god forbid one drop of rain or snowflake falls. That's when all hell breaks loose in this city. People talk about drivers in New York and L A, but I wonder if they've ever drove in this town. And for the record yes I may live and drive in Memphis, but I don't make some of these dumb ass mistakes. Oh and here's a story from this past winter to prove how stupid these people really are in this town. So we had what Memphis would consider a pretty good snow mixed in with some ice, and one day I decided the cabin fever was too much to take. After busting ass and sliding down the stairs at my apartment complex, I get to my car only to start the scraping off process. Like a good girl I turn on the defrost and start chipping away. Well one of my neighbors decided to get out and about as well. Well instead of doing what I did this chick (Yes, chick. Apparently her male role models taught her nothing) decides to get hot water from her apartment to get the snow off. Now I'm thinking I could be a good person and tell her that if she keeps that up she will bust her windshield, but then something stopped me. That evil little voice in my head said "If you tell her, then she'll never learn." Lucky for her nothing happened, but you never know what this winter will bring.
So yes, these are just a few ways to piss me off. I think I'll call these The Top Five to Keep You Alive. Don't commit these and you'll be golden.
1) Not Listening To Me When I'm Talking
This is something that freaking drives me up the damn wall!!! I know that sometimes it seems that I may be talking just to hear myself talk, but I don't think I do that too often. (Yeah, bring on the smart ass comments.)
2) Talking Over Me
This is just as bad as not listening to me when I talk. It makes me feel like my opinion isn't good enough for you to hear. Maybe next time I'll pull a guy move and stare off into space while you're telling me about your latest endeavor to find the ultimate whatever. (P.S. I know that not all guys stare off into space when you talk to them, but start up a conversation about Sex and the City and I guarantee they will zone out in 5 minutes.)
3) Going Through My Desk
Here's the thing. I have a bit of OCD. When it comes to my home, I'm not that bad. When it comes to my desk please keep your hands off! Not that I keep anything important in there. It's just damn it I have everything very organized. When my boss comes up to me and asks for a certain file I want to be able to grab it that second and hand it to them. (That helps keep me organized, but also gets them away from my desk faster.) Here's an example of me getting pissed about people touching my desk. Yesterday I walked into work. The boss was going through the maintenance work orders. Now we aren't just talking about going through, but we're talking about that shit was scattered all over my desk! Then she says these look complete. Where are the other ones? I'm thinking well if you'd keep your stank hand off my stuff and wait until I came in, then you wouldn't have a problem would you? Instead I spent the next 45 minutes getting all the papers back into order. Not a great way to start my day.
4) Stealing My Pens
I keep two pens on my desk. One for me and one for everyone else. Ok, so I chew on my pens. I'll admit it. I get bored, and well it's my thing. Nothing annoys me more than coming back from lunch only to have both of my pens missing. It's cool if you borrow it, but bring it back. Ok and secretly when my pens end up missing I laugh to myself knowing that person has a spit pen. Gross I know, but strangely satisfying.
5) Being a Memphis Driver
I'm pretty sure I don't need to elaborate on this one, but for anyone that's not a Memphis driver I'll give you the scoop. Memphis drivers are retarded. They cut you off during rush hour then give you the finger when you honk at them for being dumb asses. Pulling in front of you and then slowing down. And god forbid one drop of rain or snowflake falls. That's when all hell breaks loose in this city. People talk about drivers in New York and L A, but I wonder if they've ever drove in this town. And for the record yes I may live and drive in Memphis, but I don't make some of these dumb ass mistakes. Oh and here's a story from this past winter to prove how stupid these people really are in this town. So we had what Memphis would consider a pretty good snow mixed in with some ice, and one day I decided the cabin fever was too much to take. After busting ass and sliding down the stairs at my apartment complex, I get to my car only to start the scraping off process. Like a good girl I turn on the defrost and start chipping away. Well one of my neighbors decided to get out and about as well. Well instead of doing what I did this chick (Yes, chick. Apparently her male role models taught her nothing) decides to get hot water from her apartment to get the snow off. Now I'm thinking I could be a good person and tell her that if she keeps that up she will bust her windshield, but then something stopped me. That evil little voice in my head said "If you tell her, then she'll never learn." Lucky for her nothing happened, but you never know what this winter will bring.
So yes, these are just a few ways to piss me off. I think I'll call these The Top Five to Keep You Alive. Don't commit these and you'll be golden.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Single: Is it really all that and a bag of chips?
Okay so recently my single friend Claire posted something she found on her facebook page. It was called Fab Over Fifty. The main jist is Hey! You may be over 50 and lucky if you even know how to turn on your computer let alone navigate the net, but check this shit out! You too can find a man! But not for you. Oh No!!! For your single kids!!! As if we didn't get annoyed enough with our parents trying to set us up with every over douche bag with a pulse. Some genius had to go and set up a website so the douche baggery is no longer local, but now it can be GLOBAL!!!
But my favorite part is that they even added that nieces, nephews, granddaughters and grandsons are welcome too! Bad enough my mother is trying to set me up, but must grandma set me up too? I mean let's get realistic here. I work in a retirement community, but just because someone is nice to you when they bring you your dried up, precooked, gravy soaked resemblance of meatloaf that you should date them. (Now don't get me wrong. Many of the guys I work with are great, but I NEVER mix work and relationships. It's a recipe for disaster.)
Now I totally understand that setting up people can sometimes work. I actually introduced two of my friends, and they are now quite happily married. It can work, but it makes me think back to when I was once set up by my mother. Now she has only liked one or two guys that I've dated in the past and one that she liked was a King Douche bag. I mean I think I spent 80% of our relationship drunk. That can't be a sign of a good man right? Well come on he wasn't a total toad. He did buy booze for me and my friends. That whole story leads up to the fact that her taste in men sucks. I mean don't get me wrong. She did marry my dad, and I think he rocks, but that's about all we agree on. So she got this brilliant idea to set me up with a guy she works with. We'll call him George. My initial thoughts were hell no!! But after months of pushing I finally said fine just to get her off my ass. So George and I randomly started talking (I have a sneaking suspicion that my mom kept harassing him to call me) and finally bit the bullet to meet up. Very long story cut short. He ended up being Prince Douche bag. Not quite on the level of King Douche bag, but a very close second. After that I gave my mom 5 levels of hell and told her to NEVER set me up again.
What's up with our parents wanting to set us up?? I mean I can understand the whole not wanting to leave us alone in the world bit, but must I settle? Why can't I date around until I find someone that doesn't make me want to throat punch them repeatedly? (And don't even get me started on my grandmother constantly asking when I'm going to have kids.) Sure Claire and I both agree that being single can be a total suckfest, but it has its good points too. I don't have to worry about waking my husband when I stumble in from a drunken night with the girls. I can buy as many shoes as I want without having to listen to them bitch. Best of all I can watch Twilight as many times as I want without having to hear about how gay the characters are or how lame the plot is. Good thing about being married is coming home to someone, dual incomes, and built in bug killers. (Unless the guy is just as much of a chick about killing bugs as you are.)
To be honest I'm not sure if I like being single, but I'll admit that first kiss from a guy you just started dating can be awesome. I like to keep hope that my soul mate is out there (and preferably not locked up in a mental institution never to get out.) Maybe I've already found him? But until then I'll just struggle on paying my bills, scream and jump up and down while beating the shit out of a bug with a shoe, and never EVER let my mom set me up again!!!!!!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
I am a victim
Every day it seems that I'm the victim of a drive by farting or crop dusting as some people call it. The levels of crop dusting I experience really do vary from silent but slap me out of my chair deadly to just plan loud and crack you up. However, what never ceases to amaze me is how my residents never seem to acknowledge them. It's like how the hell could you not notice that?? Are you really that hard of hearing?? Take just a few moments ago. I was sitting here listening to the hamsters run in my head trying to think of what I could possibly write about when a resident walked up to me. She was wondering if the postman had come (like they all do. I'm telling you the residents live for meals and mail. I guess it's an old people thing.) when suddenly just let a string of them loose. While somehow keeping a straight face the woman just kept right on talking. I somehow by pure miracle was able to keep from laughing in her face. After she left needless to say, I collapsed into giggles. At least it wasn't a stinky one. What I don't understand is aren't they of an era that if such a bodily functions is horrifying? Shouldn't they get red faced and run away in horror? Shouldn't they at least look around like what the hell was that??Apparently when you get older farting is cool. So I say getting old can't be that bad. Why don't we all just fart a little more and pretend it never happened? Either that or blame it on the dog.
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