That is a direct quote from my friend Jason. Perhaps one of the funniest things I've ever heard come out of my friend's mouth (next to his bad jokes that are just too bad to post). Let me set up the evening. A group of us were out drinking and one of my dear friends, well she likes to talk. A lot. And she's one of the smartest people I know, but damn if that girl doesn't talk! (But I'll always love her for it.) So this one night we had all been drinking (a lot), and my friend was talking about who knows what. Well Jason had decided that she had talked more than enough, so in typical Jason style decides to yell out "Don't touch me there you're not my real mother! And NO! I will not make out with you!" Much to her horror, the entire bar heard this, stopped, and turned to look at her. Needless to say it was one of the funniest moments (out of a million or so. Remind me to one day tell about Boobie skipping across the bar) ever that was spent at Tracks.
Why do I bring up this story? Well there is a resident that every time I see him likes to touch me. Don't get me wrong I'm cool with hugs and such, but the creepy rubbing of the arm while telling me about the resident that used to be your lover is WAY too creepy for comfort. Looking at my boobs and saying "Wow! you sure look pretty today" is totally gross.
But what is worse than that?? A young drunk guy that you don't even know stumbling over to your table while you're trying to chill with your friends. I mean if you want to talk to me that's cool. Just make sure you do it earlier in the night when I know what the hell you're saying. Also saying shut up when I say what isn't going to score you any points what so ever. Oh and rubbing on my leg when I clearly don't want you to doesn't work for me.
Hey every girl likes a little confidence boot every now and then, but lets think about this one boys. How would you like having a random slobbering drunk girl come up to you, stare at your crotch the whole time and rub on your leg? Okay, I realize the not so respectable guys that just want to get laid would appreciate that, but come on fellas!! We're ladies!! Would you want someone talking to your mom, sister, or friends like that? It's moments like this when some random gross guy is rubbing on me that I want to scream out those wonderful words of Jason, "Don't touch me there you're not my real mother." I bet I could get a bar pretty quiet with those words. To any brave guys out there. If you feel like testing to see how quickly we can quiet a bar, call me... On a total side note. Texting "Wanna fuck" is never acceptable either. I'm just saying....
Monday, August 30, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Top Five Ways To Piss Me Off
Ok, so I'm normally not an angry person, but damn if there aren't some things that just irk the shit out of me. So today (after getting pissed off at a coworker) I've decided to do my Top Five Ways To Piss Me Off.
1) Not Listening To Me When I'm Talking
This is something that freaking drives me up the damn wall!!! I know that sometimes it seems that I may be talking just to hear myself talk, but I don't think I do that too often. (Yeah, bring on the smart ass comments.)
2) Talking Over Me
This is just as bad as not listening to me when I talk. It makes me feel like my opinion isn't good enough for you to hear. Maybe next time I'll pull a guy move and stare off into space while you're telling me about your latest endeavor to find the ultimate whatever. (P.S. I know that not all guys stare off into space when you talk to them, but start up a conversation about Sex and the City and I guarantee they will zone out in 5 minutes.)
3) Going Through My Desk
Here's the thing. I have a bit of OCD. When it comes to my home, I'm not that bad. When it comes to my desk please keep your hands off! Not that I keep anything important in there. It's just damn it I have everything very organized. When my boss comes up to me and asks for a certain file I want to be able to grab it that second and hand it to them. (That helps keep me organized, but also gets them away from my desk faster.) Here's an example of me getting pissed about people touching my desk. Yesterday I walked into work. The boss was going through the maintenance work orders. Now we aren't just talking about going through, but we're talking about that shit was scattered all over my desk! Then she says these look complete. Where are the other ones? I'm thinking well if you'd keep your stank hand off my stuff and wait until I came in, then you wouldn't have a problem would you? Instead I spent the next 45 minutes getting all the papers back into order. Not a great way to start my day.
4) Stealing My Pens
I keep two pens on my desk. One for me and one for everyone else. Ok, so I chew on my pens. I'll admit it. I get bored, and well it's my thing. Nothing annoys me more than coming back from lunch only to have both of my pens missing. It's cool if you borrow it, but bring it back. Ok and secretly when my pens end up missing I laugh to myself knowing that person has a spit pen. Gross I know, but strangely satisfying.
5) Being a Memphis Driver
I'm pretty sure I don't need to elaborate on this one, but for anyone that's not a Memphis driver I'll give you the scoop. Memphis drivers are retarded. They cut you off during rush hour then give you the finger when you honk at them for being dumb asses. Pulling in front of you and then slowing down. And god forbid one drop of rain or snowflake falls. That's when all hell breaks loose in this city. People talk about drivers in New York and L A, but I wonder if they've ever drove in this town. And for the record yes I may live and drive in Memphis, but I don't make some of these dumb ass mistakes. Oh and here's a story from this past winter to prove how stupid these people really are in this town. So we had what Memphis would consider a pretty good snow mixed in with some ice, and one day I decided the cabin fever was too much to take. After busting ass and sliding down the stairs at my apartment complex, I get to my car only to start the scraping off process. Like a good girl I turn on the defrost and start chipping away. Well one of my neighbors decided to get out and about as well. Well instead of doing what I did this chick (Yes, chick. Apparently her male role models taught her nothing) decides to get hot water from her apartment to get the snow off. Now I'm thinking I could be a good person and tell her that if she keeps that up she will bust her windshield, but then something stopped me. That evil little voice in my head said "If you tell her, then she'll never learn." Lucky for her nothing happened, but you never know what this winter will bring.
So yes, these are just a few ways to piss me off. I think I'll call these The Top Five to Keep You Alive. Don't commit these and you'll be golden.
1) Not Listening To Me When I'm Talking
This is something that freaking drives me up the damn wall!!! I know that sometimes it seems that I may be talking just to hear myself talk, but I don't think I do that too often. (Yeah, bring on the smart ass comments.)
2) Talking Over Me
This is just as bad as not listening to me when I talk. It makes me feel like my opinion isn't good enough for you to hear. Maybe next time I'll pull a guy move and stare off into space while you're telling me about your latest endeavor to find the ultimate whatever. (P.S. I know that not all guys stare off into space when you talk to them, but start up a conversation about Sex and the City and I guarantee they will zone out in 5 minutes.)
3) Going Through My Desk
Here's the thing. I have a bit of OCD. When it comes to my home, I'm not that bad. When it comes to my desk please keep your hands off! Not that I keep anything important in there. It's just damn it I have everything very organized. When my boss comes up to me and asks for a certain file I want to be able to grab it that second and hand it to them. (That helps keep me organized, but also gets them away from my desk faster.) Here's an example of me getting pissed about people touching my desk. Yesterday I walked into work. The boss was going through the maintenance work orders. Now we aren't just talking about going through, but we're talking about that shit was scattered all over my desk! Then she says these look complete. Where are the other ones? I'm thinking well if you'd keep your stank hand off my stuff and wait until I came in, then you wouldn't have a problem would you? Instead I spent the next 45 minutes getting all the papers back into order. Not a great way to start my day.
4) Stealing My Pens
I keep two pens on my desk. One for me and one for everyone else. Ok, so I chew on my pens. I'll admit it. I get bored, and well it's my thing. Nothing annoys me more than coming back from lunch only to have both of my pens missing. It's cool if you borrow it, but bring it back. Ok and secretly when my pens end up missing I laugh to myself knowing that person has a spit pen. Gross I know, but strangely satisfying.
5) Being a Memphis Driver
I'm pretty sure I don't need to elaborate on this one, but for anyone that's not a Memphis driver I'll give you the scoop. Memphis drivers are retarded. They cut you off during rush hour then give you the finger when you honk at them for being dumb asses. Pulling in front of you and then slowing down. And god forbid one drop of rain or snowflake falls. That's when all hell breaks loose in this city. People talk about drivers in New York and L A, but I wonder if they've ever drove in this town. And for the record yes I may live and drive in Memphis, but I don't make some of these dumb ass mistakes. Oh and here's a story from this past winter to prove how stupid these people really are in this town. So we had what Memphis would consider a pretty good snow mixed in with some ice, and one day I decided the cabin fever was too much to take. After busting ass and sliding down the stairs at my apartment complex, I get to my car only to start the scraping off process. Like a good girl I turn on the defrost and start chipping away. Well one of my neighbors decided to get out and about as well. Well instead of doing what I did this chick (Yes, chick. Apparently her male role models taught her nothing) decides to get hot water from her apartment to get the snow off. Now I'm thinking I could be a good person and tell her that if she keeps that up she will bust her windshield, but then something stopped me. That evil little voice in my head said "If you tell her, then she'll never learn." Lucky for her nothing happened, but you never know what this winter will bring.
So yes, these are just a few ways to piss me off. I think I'll call these The Top Five to Keep You Alive. Don't commit these and you'll be golden.
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