Single: Is it really all that and a bag of chips?

Okay so recently my single friend Claire posted something she found on her facebook page. It was called Fab Over Fifty. The main jist is Hey! You may be over 50 and lucky if you even know how to turn on your computer let alone navigate the net, but check this shit out! You too can find a man! But not for you. Oh No!!! For your single kids!!! As if we didn't get annoyed enough with our parents trying to set us up with every over douche bag with a pulse. Some genius had to go and set up a website so the douche baggery is no longer local, but now it can be GLOBAL!!!

But my favorite part is that they even added that nieces, nephews, granddaughters and grandsons are welcome too! Bad enough my mother is trying to set me up, but must grandma set me up too? I mean let's get realistic here. I work in a retirement community, but just because someone is nice to you when they bring you your dried up, precooked, gravy soaked resemblance of meatloaf that you should date them. (Now don't get me wrong. Many of the guys I work with are great, but I NEVER mix work and relationships. It's a recipe for disaster.)

Now I totally understand that setting up people can sometimes work. I actually introduced two of my friends, and they are now quite happily married. It can work, but it makes me think back to when I was once set up by my mother. Now she has only liked one or two guys that I've dated in the past and one that she liked was a King Douche bag. I mean I think I spent 80% of our relationship drunk. That can't be a sign of a good man right? Well come on he wasn't a total toad. He did buy booze for me and my friends. That whole story leads up to the fact that her taste in men sucks. I mean don't get me wrong. She did marry my dad, and I think he rocks, but that's about all we agree on. So she got this brilliant idea to set me up with a guy she works with. We'll call him George. My initial thoughts were hell no!! But after months of pushing I finally said fine just to get her off my ass. So George and I randomly started talking (I have a sneaking suspicion that my mom kept harassing him to call me) and finally bit the bullet to meet up. Very long story cut short. He ended up being Prince Douche bag. Not quite on the level of King Douche bag, but a very close second. After that I gave my mom 5 levels of hell and told her to NEVER set me up again.

What's up with our parents wanting to set us up?? I mean I can understand the whole not wanting to leave us alone in the world bit, but must I settle? Why can't I date around until I find someone that doesn't make me want to throat punch them repeatedly? (And don't even get me started on my grandmother constantly asking when I'm going to have kids.) Sure Claire and I both agree that being single can be a total suckfest, but it has its good points too. I don't have to worry about waking my husband when I stumble in from a drunken night with the girls. I can buy as many shoes as I want without having to listen to them bitch. Best of all I can watch Twilight as many times as I want without having to hear about how gay the characters are or how lame the plot is. Good thing about being married is coming home to someone, dual incomes, and built in bug killers. (Unless the guy is just as much of a chick about killing bugs as you are.)

To be honest I'm not sure if I like being single, but I'll admit that first kiss from a guy you just started dating can be awesome. I like to keep hope that my soul mate is out there (and preferably not locked up in a mental institution never to get out.) Maybe I've already found him? But until then I'll just struggle on paying my bills, scream and jump up and down while beating the shit out of a bug with a shoe, and never EVER let my mom set me up again!!!!!!

I am a victim

Every day it seems that I'm the victim of a drive by farting or crop dusting as some people call it. The levels of crop dusting I experience really do vary from silent but slap me out of my chair deadly to just plan loud and crack you up. However, what never ceases to amaze me is how my residents never seem to acknowledge them. It's like how the hell could you not notice that?? Are you really that hard of hearing?? Take just a few moments ago. I was sitting here listening to the hamsters run in my head trying to think of what I could possibly write about when a resident walked up to me. She was wondering if the postman had come (like they all do. I'm telling you the residents live for meals and mail. I guess it's an old people thing.) when suddenly just let a string of them loose. While somehow keeping a straight face the woman just kept right on talking. I somehow by pure miracle was able to keep from laughing in her face. After she left needless to say, I collapsed into giggles. At least it wasn't a stinky one. What I don't understand is aren't they of an era that if such a bodily functions is horrifying? Shouldn't they get red faced and run away in horror? Shouldn't they at least look around like what the hell was that??Apparently when you get older farting is cool. So I say getting old can't be that bad. Why don't we all just fart a little more and pretend it never happened? Either that or blame it on the dog.

Disclaimer

Ok, let's get honest here. I have no idea why anyone would want to follow anything I write. I mean aside from the random things that happen to me at work which yeah, that is pretty funny most days. So it would probably be safe in assuming that most blogs will be about the residents. Maybe I should have called this blog "I couldn't make this shit up if I tried"? I wonder if I could have gotten more followers with that title? Either way.... I hope everyone gets a laugh or two from the random craziness that is my job, and feel free to let me know what you think.